I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
