we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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