Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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