she woke up with a sticky ear
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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