Your mouth is God's brothel.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
