Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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