fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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