He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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