Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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