Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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