Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
