i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
