Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
