Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
