you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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