he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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