and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
