that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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