he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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