My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
