A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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