I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I touched a dick in church today
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
