Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
This can only be settled by a dance off.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
