Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
