take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
