you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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