My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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