can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
