so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
