How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
