dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
