God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
