you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
