my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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