I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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