If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
