I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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