I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
