Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
