Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i think my mom watched the whole time
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
