How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
P.S. I can't hear my feet
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
