you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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