I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
