i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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