And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
