I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
