Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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