remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Randomize
