We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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