Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize