yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
