I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
