Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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