Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize