i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
