YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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