either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
