my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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