i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
In America we eat man semen.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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