Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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