Non-Jews are for practice
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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