i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
