Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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