i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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