Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
