What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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